The moment

You know what I'm talking about.

You settle in with a hot cup of tea or coffee, or a cold beer, with a good book, or your knitting project, or your new game. You've had a good day. You had a lot that needed to get done today, and here you've managed to get all the balls in the air at the right time, in the right order, and everything fell into place just like it should have.

You've called the babysitter to remind her about tonight. You've prepared the dinner fixings so everyone can eat. You even managed to try that new bread recipe you've been dying to taste.

Your husband calls to let you know he's ahead of schedule. So you move your timeline back and hour to make sure that everything still gets done before the horde descends and this moment of calm is overwhelmed.

At this precise moment, when you feel your body relax. Your brain betrays you.

Suddenly you realize that you have forgotten one very important thing. That one thing that needed to be done before you can enjoy the evening with your love, before the babysitter gets here. That little load of laundry with the baby's things in it that absolutely must be done for her to be able to go to bed tonight. That also requires the hot water you'd been counting on for your nice, hot shower.

At that moment, every word your mother ever told you never ever to say comes streaming out of your mouth. That moment, all of your well laid plans, and flawless execution. All meaningless.

Why is it that I always forget the one thing that absolutely had to get done until it's too late to get it done?

In a world with more than 6 billion people...

it was bound to happen...
There is another red-headed Hannah out there who likes coffee, sometimes. Check it out on etsy. I'm surprised by how tempted I am to buy this...

Its interesting also because I just listened to this episode of Radio Lab. Yes, I know I'm way behind, but these shows are like gold - I like to spread them out to make them last. The concept of the show is fascinating - that the perception of fate is really just a failure to zoom out far enough. And here, my friend Nancy, dropped a link on my facebook page to this delightful work of art to prove that, even halfway around the world, there is someone out there who, freakily enough resembles me in some key ways (but I'm sure she doesn't resemble me in other key ways).

Ladies and gentlemen, your moment of zen.

I won!!

So, I have apparently won this contest, that LOTS of people had entered, and now my blog, my poor neglected blog, is linked on this fantastic blog.

I've got all kinds of posts in my head and pictures in my camera to share, just no time at the moment to get it all out.

So, if any of you are still out there, I've got camping this weekend, but after that things should slow down just a tad and we can sit down, share a cup of tea and talk about what's been roiling around in my head and what's occupying my hands.

Go enjoy this gorgeous fall!

Twenty Four Hours Later...

I just finished watching Little Children. This was one of those movies that was on my queue that by the time it shows up in my mailbox I can't remember why I ever put it on my queue. But, the husband was in Dallas playing Starcraft with the boys, so what else to do but watch it.

And here I am, turning the laptop back on at 10:45 pm to blog about it. It was amazing.

It seemed a timely film. All about not fitting into the suburban SAHM life. About feeling frustrated with your lack of options. About feeling like you've sacrificed so very much to spend time with a demanding child who really only cares about you insofar as you remembered to bring her a snack. About questioning the decision to ever do this in the first place.

And then there was the scene where Sarah had been gone overnight and she came home and her daughter had made a picture frame for her, but Sarah was too busy doing her own thing to even take the time to notice the gift. And my heart just broke.

Our children are gifts that annoy the hell out of us, but also bring the brightest rays of sunshine and the most beautiful moments. I have wondered (too often) if my child was genetically modified to be just the level of annoying that drives me to want to hurt something. And yet, while I'm grumbling at my computer for not doing what I thought it should do, she appears and comforts me. Gives me a kiss and tells me it will be alright. Asks me if I feel better now.

And, I really DO feel better. There is something so incredibly sweet about receiving love from a tiny tot, who can't really understand the source of the frustration, but who can understand a grumpy face and being sad, and that a kiss can make it all better.

In one of the final scenes of Little Children, Sarah collapses, weeping, into her daughter Lucy's lap. And Lucy touches her mommy's hair and says, "It's ok". This is why we are blessed with children - to remind us of the power of unconditional love. That kind of love, regardless of how imperfect and flawed I've been makes everything EVERYTHING worthwhile.

And I'll try to be better tomorrow...

The Work/Mommy Divide

I have a confession to make: I suffer from mommy guilt. I googled "mommy guilt" and it came up with 32,400 results. I could have gotten even more if I'd removed the quotation marks, but I think that'd have been slightly dishonest searching, as mommy doesn't always go with guilt (or does it?!). But, I digress...

See, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was completely and utterly unaware of how many decisions, and hours of worrying would come with the tiny bundle of joy we would receive in approximately 9.5 months' time.

Most of the women of my generation want to do things differently than our moms before us. Its an interesting cycle. But I wanted to do something my mom didn’t – which was be a mom and be at home with my daughter. I was fortunate enough to have the kind of job (and a boss) who was flexible enough to let me do that, so my journey as some kind of hybrid mom/worker bee began

As soon as the little one made her appearance, let me tell you, I realized why moms make end up choosing to either work or stay home. If you don't pick one, you end up stuck in grey limbo - always feeling left out of the SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) life of playdates and library readings and park visits and being totally absorbed with your child's daily accomplishments because you have deadlines and projects to finish. But you also miss out on the WOHM (Work Outside the Home Mom) perks of breaks, being able to choose where and when you eat lunch, regular adult interaction and being forced to bathe regularly because you have a child who wants to "help" you do your work.



Of course, each side of the work divide feels deprived of the others' perks - and you are, but let me tell you, attempting to straddle that line has really stretched my sanity. And it’s mostly on the mommy side that I feel inadequate and like a general failure. Work, since it has the most immediate consequences, gets done on time, if not completely to the level that I'd always like it to be - I do enjoy having a roof over my head, after all.

The child, on the other hand, while being incredibly demanding, ends up losing out most of the time. She would rather that Mommy play sleepy time with her, or piggy back ride, or play in the pool, or blow bubbles, or even read a story, rather than be chained to my computer. One of the most heartbreaking things that she says is "You're all done now?" followed by "Now we can do..." whatever it was that she was wanting to do all day. And it really stinks to have to say "No, I'm not done yet, I'm just changing projects" (because the kid can tell when I'm closing down documents and spreadsheets - WOW).

I've been feeling torn between doing a good job at work and doing a good job at being mommy for most of my daughter's life. I started reading books on early childhood development and realized that now is probably some of the most important time in my daughter's intellectual development. And she is really interested in learning - this child already recognizes most of her letters, ALL of the colors, and can count correctly to 10 if she wants to, help me make coffee and roll out pita bread, help make our beds and fold clothes. She is amazing. And she has picked this stuff up from the air.

As I read more books, the responsibility of teaching and training our hope for the future became more and more overwhelming. It is clear that she needs individual, expert attention, but here I am, plugging numbers into spreadsheets and making pretty graphs. Let me also get in here that I love my job. I love what I get to do, who I get to work with, and that I get to do something that makes the world a better place (I hope). Oh yeah, and I get paid to do all that! My Grandpa told me many years ago that I needed to find a job that I loved, because everything else will fall into place if you love your job. And it really makes a HUGE difference in my contentment levels, let me tell you.

So, what's a woman to do? I have a job that I love and a child that I love and who needs me to be more present during the day than I am. What it comes down to is realizing that I am NOT an expert at early child development. And I can't possibly fulfill both roles of mommy and employee, particularly when mommy needs to put on the teacher hat more and more often. And, most importantly, the more pulled between the two I feel, the less happy I am, which affects my quality in both areas.

We've decided that the best solution for our family is to put our little one into a preschool. Can I say that the decision was a difficult one to arrive at? I mean, I made my daughter's baby food from scratch, used cloth diapers, struggled and struggled (and are still struggling most days) to get her to sleep without resorting to letting her cry it out - and here I am, deciding to let someone else teach my child.

But, I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my chest. I know that in just a few days time I'll be able to turn my daughter over to the willing and capable hands of her teachers and she will get to play with other children her age and really get to explore in a way that she can't at home. And I get to be one thing at a time (well, 3 days a week anyway). I feel released to be who I am and to do the best that I can within the circumstances that I find myself.

Which, really, in the end, is what we're supposed to be heading toward, right? It’s all about trying to live as authentically as possible without taking up too much space or resources. Hopefully, I'm one step closer to that than I was last week.

Now I need to go play hide and seek with my daughter...

Etc.

It's been a crazy few weeks. I'm so behind on editing and posting pictures, I'll just apologize now. I guess I could try to be proactive and get with it today, but I think I'll take a shower instead. This is exactly why I'm so behind. :)

That, and I've taken the speedtest test...

90 words

Speed test

C'mon, take it. You know you're curious. :)

It's funny, but at church I was "volunteered" (I have yet to find out who put my name into the hat) to be the typing part of the Apostle Paul typing out an email to the church at Philippi. (Hey, you've got to modernize it sometimes, right?) Anyway, the idea was that someone would read the letter, and someone else would be typing it (and another person would be holding the mic which I occasionally bump... :S) It has been surprisingly a big hit, who knew? But, anyone who has done dictation typing will know how crazy/difficult it is to type in "real time" even if you already have the text in front of you. There is nothing like the pressure of being on the big screen.

Let's see, since we last talked, I have still not finished my second Baudelaire. Summer came all at once, and the thought of putting on alpaca socks, is well, not delightful. That, and I've lost interest in the pattern. I have the dreaded SSS (Second Sock Syndrome to those of you who have yet to come under its spell).

Magknits has gone under, taking with it the fingerless gloves project that I was planning on doing next. The pattern still hasn't resurfaced :( Which means I can either take some close looks at the pictures and reverse engineer it, or I can do a different pattern, or I can just be patient. None of which is appealing. So, I've kind of stalled on that front. Nothing sounds good.

I decided I wanted to try stranded knitting, so I was going to put this skull motif (from So Much Yarn, So Little Time) onto this soaker pattern (from Curly Purly). But then I saw this video, which is a confusing combination of a song about humbling yourself in order to get forgiveness, and a video montage of soldiers shooting at things in Iraq. Opinions on the war aside, I was struck by how inconsistent the tone of the song was with the images, and then thought about how inconsistent it would be for me to put a symbol of death on my daughter's diaper cover. Now, I might decide later that a pirate skull is a pretty cool thing to put on her diaper cover, and I'm not saying that anyone else who has put skulls on things is promoting death (so please, no flaming).

Just for the moment, I decided that I'd put a peace sign on her bum instead... of course, I couldn't find one I liked, so I made one. I've probably set myself up for failure because I've never done a stranded knitting project, so I don't know what works and what doesn't, so my design might be entirely unworkable. Who knows. I'll let you know :)

Well, I've got to run if I'm going to get my shower in before the little one wakes up. Hope your Saturday is restful and filled with love.

Peace.

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107/366, originally uploaded by hannah8ball.

A snippet of today's mail. It brought a check from our mortgage company, an unexpected surprise - that will go right back into savings.

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34/366, originally uploaded by hannah8ball.

Oh, how I love Sunday mornings. A fresh cup of coffee, some toasted cinnamon-raisin bread, and a napping baby. What a great way to start the week!

Hope your Sunday is relaxing!

I've been tagged!

Wow. It's been one humdinger of a week. And it looks like I'm going to have another one ahead of me. Hopefully, this will be it for now. Hopefully, we'll get some good news this week :) I promise I'll be much less vague soon.

Well, for blogging interest, KT has tagged me for a meme. Before I move on to that, I must rave about her Pinnacles pattern, though. I love it. It's moving along quickly (I'm already onto the second half) and the pattern doesn't get boring, but it's easy enough to follow while watching TV/movies. Everyone should knit this scarf. I cannot wait to show mine off :)

Ok, on to the meme. I guess I'm supposed to post seven random things about myself. Do you know how hard it is to come up with that many random things? They all seem perfectly normal and coherant to me... but I shall try.

1. I speak Spanish... fluently. At the age of fifteen, I somehow managed to convince my parents to let me participate in a year-long, foreign exchange program in Ecuador. (How I did this completely escapes me, but I can guarantee you that my 15-year old daughter won't get the same opportunity.) I spent a year immersed in the culture and language and managed to pick it up well enough that I was mistaken for Ecuadorian on the plane home. Sweet.

2. I am a political junkie. I love this stuff. I know I hardly ever post about it here. Politics can be rather divisive, so I'd rather have that kind of conversation face to face so I can see your reaction. But in RL, you'd be surprised about how many conversations end up involving politics. And this year in particular?! I'm loving it!

3. I love art, making art, viewing art, the creative process, etc., but until recently, I wouldn't have described myself as being artistic or creative. It's really only been through involvement at my church that I've realized that all of us have a bit of the Creative in us. (Whew! 4 more to go!! gah!)

4. I am a tea-a-holic. I love tea... specifically hot tea. One of my (many) college jobs was working at the Elmwood Inn first as a tea server, then as their weekend office assistant. When I got the job, I avoided tea at all costs. However, it's hard to resist a warm pot of tea after a hard afternoon's work. It wasn't long until I had learned the ins-and-outs of green tea vs. black tea vs. herbal infusions. And I was bringing home samples... and well, now, let's just say that tea makes me happy :)

5. I am dark kind of girl. I like dark chocolate, dark beer, dark wine, dark bread, dark humor, dark music (minor keys), dark colors,dark coffee roasts...

6. I am a very picky eater. And if I get it into my mind that I don't like something, I'm probably not going to try it. This has led me to be a "convenient vegetarian" as that helps me politely refuse to try some mystery meat. In fact, there are certain members of my family who believe that I am a vegetarian and so don't even offer me meat dishes now. Score!

7. I am a word collector. Well, maybe not words, exactly, but how they are pronounced. So, if I like the way you say a word (or phrase), it's very likely that you'll hear me repeating it to myself, storing it away for future use. Some people have thought that I'm making fun of how they say it, but really, I just like the way it sounds. I think it's amazing that we all speak the same language but have so many different ways of expressing ourselves. Language is so fascinating!

Well, that's seven. Now I have to tag others. Who do I know reads my blog (and didn't tag me)... hmmm. I tag Jo (who's in the process of a destash - check it out!) and Diane.

Project 365 pics will be uploaded shortly, but the babe is awake. I must run! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

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27/366, originally uploaded by hannah8ball.

We woke up this morning to a quiet, foggy and much warmer day. There is just something intimate about a foggy morning that is hard to capture.

And I thought I was well travelled

I guess I have a lot of the world yet to visit. Not even 10%!! Wow.

How much of the world have you visited?

I'm uploading a bunch of pictures from this last week, so be sure to check out the new posts below :) If you're reading via a subscriber, then you should pick them up, and I know I have at least one subscriber (who is not my mom) :) Shout out to KT, who has the awesomest dishcloth patterns ever. I'm a verified stalker-fan.

I actually won KT's ideas contest and am now the proud owner of two patterns!! I chose the Pinnacles scarf and the Patchwork Tote, both of which I can't wait to cast on for! I'm actually heading to my LYS this afternoon to pick up my first installment of their sock club (SWEET!) and I'll see about getting the yarn for the scarf, before it gets too warm.

Friday

I'm sitting at my desk freezing my arse off. And it didn't even have the dignity to get cold enough to freeze so I didn't have to go into work today. Rather, it's really cold (34 degrees) and raining, and I have to go out into it in a few minutes.


The only cure for intense, humid cold is good Ecuadorian wool. And I don't care that it's 5 sizes too big and a busy Andean print. Until the sun comes back, I'm going to wear it.

Don't even bring it up.

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7/366, originally uploaded by hannah8ball.

Tonight we had some friends over and had good food, good wine, good conversation and good cheesecake. God bless whoever invented pack n plays... put the babies to bed, then everyone gets to enjoy adult time.

Over the course of the evening, I discovered that one of my favorite authors, Robert Jordan, died last fall. I've been reading his books since I was in middle school. He will certainly be missed.

I'm still here

All that blogging for NaBloPoMo has just worn me out, but I DID it! ;) Just goes to show you I have plenty to talk about and plenty of time to sit down to do it, so long as I have someone holding me to it. I'm thinking a reasonable amount of blogging would be every week day. Stay tuned for that.

Work has really become rather busy. I have two open positions to hire for, end of year stuff to wrap up, and christmas vacation in the middle of all of that. I'm slowly digging out of my inbox, but phew, it's hard work! My bloglines reading has seriously suffered, I haven't recovered yet from my weekend off... keep writing though! I'll read it eventually!

In knitting news, my Shedir gift is 75% done. No, you're not reading that wrong, it wasn't on my original list. Washcloths get boring. Cables are fun. 'Nuff said. I would have been done sooner except I made a decrease error that I had to frog back to... YUCK!

Washcloths are loping along. I'm thinking I'm going to have to do some serious, head down knitting next week and just finish them all up so they aren't hanging over my head.

Mitts: I finished the second fetching, pics coming soon. I'll be casting on for my 3rd pair tonight. Hope to have all office gifts done by the end of this weekend.

Thanks for all the nice comments about Rannoch! They are a fabulous knit, the cables are lovely, and the garter rib is a nice touch. Be sure to visit Corinne and congratulate her on her first pattern.

Break is done... I'm back to work. Have a great day!

What's your design style?

We watch this show if/when it comes on and if/when we actually have the TV on, called Design Style on HGTV. The first step is for everybody to take this quiz, then the designer gives them some tips and the couple designs their own room (with A LOT of help, mind you). Similar to What Not to Wear, minus all the comments about someone's horrible wardrobe and hair. And for your house. Not really similar, I guess.

My design style is not surprisingly, Hip. "No overstuffed chairs or anything frou frou (unless its the band). You're drawn to clean lines and a minimalist palette (think black, white, neutrals and a few bold colors that "pop" against the background - like orange, red or turquoise)." Yes, that's me. :)

For your viewing enjoyment a video from said band Frou Frou. She's hip!

Yawn....

How is it possible to spend an entire day doing nothing but knitting, but to still be so tired? Perhaps its the cold and rainy weather that has descended on our previously summery state. We had snow and sleet on Thursday; today, its just rain :) Someone must have gotten my complaint about the weather... just, next time, can it be more gradual so the cold isn't so shocking?

I did get to pull out the very warm and cozy Irish Hiking scarf I knit last year (my very first cable project), and I've practically been living in my office mitts (they are SO warm!). I'm nearly done with the third (second) Rannoch, but more on that later.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Little Bit took a 3 hour nap during dinner... I was/am VERY grateful for that (she hasn't repeated though...). We had a nice time with friends and delicious food. and because it was at a friend's, we didn't even have any cleanup to deal with, we got to come home and crash.

Oh... must run, Little Bit has hit the panic button on my key chain... I need to find our passcode before they call... fun times!

Knitting can be intellectual too!

Ha, and my husband makes fun of me for having a knitting blog... hooray for big words like errata, and the foreign names like Shedir and Rannoch for helping me keep up appearances. My degree was worth something, right?

Red

Not much to say today, so here's one of my favorite pictures. I wish we had fall here. Fall in TX means its hot, then one day you wake up and its cold and the trees are bare because they have all been blown away. This picture was taken at Anderson Gardens in Rockville Illinois, October 2005. Its probably one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Chatting you up

Thanks to the comments on my shedir. Jo pointed out that the sizing is most likely due to my lack of swatching. Yes, I'm not a good swatcher. In fact, I have knit up 2 swatches in my 1+ years of knitting... both are for sweaters, neither of which I have completed. I thought that with something big like a sweater, I'd better have a good idea of what kind of knitter I am... everything else is so small, eh, we'll just deal. But I talked to my friend and explained the size thing, and told her that I can definitely make her another (smaller) one... I'd love to hear some feedback so I can make her the perfect hat ;)

The Little Bit has decided that napping (once again) is something to be avoided, so we've had a few days of struggle and sadness. I think she's just too busy to take the time out to sleep. That its 80+ degrees here again today can't be helping. She sleeps so much better when its cooler (who doesn't?). Her conversation has really increased; she pretty much talks nonstop from the moment she wakes up to when she finally falls asleep.

Ah, well, such is the life of babes.

I'm off to knit some more on my christmas gifts. I didn't get much done in the way of knitting this weekend, so I must catch up. Thank goodness I've got a bunch of data entry to do at work, so there is alot of reward knitting going on. :)

Just kidding...

There are moments in my life (and they seem to be happening more often lately), where I find myself waiting to hear someone say "just kidding" because they have made such fantastic errors in logic, no sane person would be caught saying/doing whatever the thing is. At least from my perspective that what it ought to be.

Today, one such incredulous thing happened. I got a call from my boss (i'm working from home today) and he asked me "did you tell A to charge $9 for this product?". I responded yes, and explained that the product contained 3 items, and the contract rate for each item was $3, so $3 (the individual price) X 3 (items) = $9. I haven't lost anybody yet, have I? Simple math. Well, come to find out that A had told my boss that she was only charging $9 for a CD with all the items on it (up to 100 items!!), per my instructions. When I called her to ask her about it, she said that she had just assumed we were giving a good deal to good clients... ?!?!?!?!?!

I hung up not knowing how to respond. A has just as much access to the contract as I do and should be just as familiar with the contract as I am. A and I had discussed invoicing the clients for their items and I mentioned that instead of printing and mailing hard copies (too much wasting of paper), we should just burn them CDs. So how did she think I said to only charge them $9 regardless of how many items they ordered?!

I later got with her and wanted her to explain her leap of logic to me... some things just need explaining. Her response... "Well, you know, sometimes I just have ADD."

I'm still waiting to hear... "Gotcha! I was just kidding."... still waiting...